APRIL ANG

2011-12-30T17:08:00.002+08:00

Quiet Christmas

Before, it was just me against the world. Then, you came.

2011-12-12T10:47:00.005+08:00

12122011

Its December December! December is here!
Once again, its my favorite time of the year (:

Begrudgingly, i'll admit, i'm still feeling melancholy
I've got a direction in mind now.
No, im not lost anymore.
Yet, there's a lack of zest and drive to reach that goal.

V & I shall work hard and save up to afford the rental of a small unit in west/central area where his family & i can stay together.

Thinking about the achievement of this goal makes me happy.

Yet, there is a sense of something seeping away from me.
I can't find the right words to describe this for i am still unsure what exactly is missing

Last night, V & I caught "New Year's Eve" at lot 1 Shaw Theatres and it was a great movie.
Whilst TBB left the theatres feeling motivated, KBB left feeling sad.
Nowadays, the lingering sadness is unexplained and backed by no cause.

& KBB doesnt understand why.

2011-08-23T15:31:00.001+08:00

April lovesssssssssss Coffee

New name, New beginnings, i'm leaving my past behind.
I'm not gonna be a crazy, emotional and overwrought person who gets upset over the littlest of matters.
I'm not going to depend on any other person.

I will be strong.
I will be independent.
I will find myself, I will be me.

I will be happy.

2011-07-06T15:49:00.002+08:00

Whitey & Its Awesome iphone Apps!

this picture was edited by 3 Apps! Brightening and smoothen-ing of the picture plus a shadowy border! Makes me wonder if i should concentrate on whitening instead of tanning?
The downside is that tanning is natural and free whilst whitening is chemical-ridden and extremely costly.

i love these two cherry red pictures! These were completely unedited and taken under office lighting! WooHoo!

2011-07-04T09:32:00.007+08:00

Jagavee

because tbb loves taking photos of me looking blur and candid. Lol!

V's currently into photography and raves on about how fine a Canon DSLR is. Jagavee's really hurt but i'm standing by him! I'm bringing him out more often now to take photos and what nots and these pictures were all taken by trusty Jagavee!

his attempts to change the ISO settings to capture a better picture

hmmmm. i think the first picture reflects the object more realistically!

I was heading to Grandma's to bring Ahma Ahgong out to dinner with my mum @ Seafood Paradise at Senja-Cashew CC.
Since V lives so near Pending right now, i convinced him to walk me over to my Grandma's and because he refused to bring waffy home with him, i forced him to take the first shot above!
Seeing as he looked good, i took another shot for him, without waffy this time.
These shots were taken consecutively without changing any settings but the lighting turned out different. hmm i wonder why. and as you can see, he is pro Canon DSLR .

on that day, i deliberately dabbed on concealer and applied blusher before heading to Grandma's cause she always says my "face green green" (direct translation)

butttttttttt. it doesnt seem to have that much of a difference from the photos. LOL!

Went over and saw Aunty Lucy and Sharon at their place as well. They came to Singapore a few months back as Sharon prepares for her final exam to become a doctor.
Sounds pretty impressive huh? (:
Aunty Lucy is here to accompany her stay in Singapore and whilst she is here, she momentarily stopped her baking business back in Sabah and, i believe, is concentrating on her MLM business on NuLife products. Although good, the products are a tad too pricey for me.
Much as i'd like to, i cant support her business in that area :/

Sharon had an assignment to rush so she didnt join us for dinner and Aunty Lucy stayed behind to accompany her.

the total bill amounted to $103 for 6 dishes.
it wasnt that fab, it was only slightly above average yet superbly pricey. However, there were long queues of families waiting to enter the restaurant :/
so many rich people in Singapore meh?

lols. but i'll give it to them that we did not try the crab/fish/prawn/seafood dish (although we were at a seafood restaurant) and the bill is already $100+ ?!!

Maybe it was because they served tea in a golden kettle. LOL!

2011-06-29T17:41:00.003+08:00

i ♥ chocolates

2011-06-16T09:27:00.016+08:00

PictureMania!
OMG! I managed to upload my pictures onto the company PC, without itunes!
So here are the pictures that i've wanted to upload for a long long time!!

Pl♥ve went back to Sabah, KK for his eldest sister's wedding! & i sent him off at the sirport when he left. It was quite an adventure really because we wanted to head to the airport early so as to be able to have a good breakfast and chillax within the airport facilities before his flight.

After an awesome duck porridge breakfast, we took the train down to Changi and just before we got off the train, dearest tbb recalled he left his boarding pass at home. So off we went hurriedly back to get the boarding pass and we made it back at the airport in a smooth journey with an 1.5hours to spare before boarding! :D

The above picture was taken enroute to Changi Airport, Part II!!

Pl♥ve & his eldest sister, Melissa (:
Wishing her and jacob a blessed and joyous marriage in Christ (:

When tbb was overseas, i had some relational troubles with my my mum, sis and certain friends and i felt really down. Thank God for the internet and awesome iPhone Apps, i called tbb overseas for no charge at all and he listened patiently to all i had to say though he was out with his friends. But the below comment cheered me up immensely and thus i keep this picture for memory (:

Anyways, i believe this to be a lengthy enough post so i shall stop my rambling and proceed with the picture spam taken last night at Rebel. I believe this will be my last clubbing session in a very longgggg time.

2011-06-14T17:50:00.004+08:00

Your voice, my sweetest soundtrack

click on the image

2011-06-14T09:28:00.000+08:00

forgiving

Forgiveness is letting go of the pain
And accepting what has happened.
It's starting anew with what we've gained
And understanding what we've learned.

Forgiveness is dismissing the blame
Choices were made that hurt the heart
Because we played a different game

Forgiveness allows us to move on
towards a better sense of relationship.
Forgiveness strengthens the true bond
Of our universal love and friendship.

Forgiveness is knowing that love
is the answer from up above
To all the problems of our day
As we're all connected in some way.

Jesus prayed while hanging on the cross,
"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do,"
Forgive us, Lord, for the pain we cause.
Help us, O God, to forgive all the others, too. :)

2011-06-11T11:17:00.004+08:00

NOOB

Im super noob i tell you!

I've got so many pictures on Whitey (now Skully) that i'd want to upload for a proper blog post that i can look back upon but i dont know how to Sync my iphone photos with my computer and the only way i get them up is to upload them via my mobile onto facebook and save the photo from facebook into my desktop.

Dang, that was a long sentence. LOL!

Anyways, i was taught once again that i trust too easy and im bearing the consequence of my actions.

On a random note, here are random food pictures! :D

2011-05-24T14:11:00.002+08:00

Whitey

Bu came over to pass me my first 21st present! Awww she's the sweetest (:
I made breakfast for her! But she had to bring slices of bread over cause i didnt have any at home. Ham & Egg Sandwhich!! :D

Bu and i then went to lot 1 to get Whitey! :D

Followed by Gantz movie and a short tutoring/studying session at Tiong Bahru Plaza.

Then Zi Char dinner at New Hawa! :D :D

2011-05-12T04:45:00.000+08:00

A thought suddenly struck me.
What If I was asked to work as a server today because..
Of my inadequate performance as a cashier?
):
One cock up too many? ):
Lower pay.. All the more reason to leave swiftly I guess.

2011-05-09T09:40:00.004+08:00

Wedding Dress

Carol, Tongz, Viv & I attended a 6 weeks long dance course at O school learning K-pop!

We initially joined thinking we'd be learning 2NE1's Can't Nobody! and were all excited, watching and re-watching their music video, thinking we'd be one up before lessons start.

But upon entering the classroom, the teacher said something along the lines of us signing up for Taeyang's Wedding Dress so we must be great fans of Taeyang..

So yea, we joined the wrong class unknowingly. AHahhah!

oh wells but it was fun as well!

After 5 weeks we have learnt the choreography for the Chorus of the song and broke up into groups to do blocking and what nots.

It was a new experience, working with random strangers and voicing opinions on what would look best when we were dancing together and definitely lotsa fun for all of us (:

Towards the end of the class during the 6th week, each group was asked to present their choreography group by group for the teacher's evaluation. & before the lesson ended, he asked if he could dance the song for us one last time.

In my heart i was thinking, you're the teacher, of course you can dance as many times as you like! We'd fosho love to watch! Ahaha.
Then he added on that he'd like to request some people to dance with him and proceed to choose 2 guys playing the role of Taeyang during the group choreography.

Then, i felt so honored and surprised when he picked me and another girl to join in as well.

It was really a moral booster, having stopped dancing for so long.

Having placed my dreams towards the back of my head for so long.

So here's the video, im hoping its loved (:

2011-05-09T09:30:00.005+08:00

my dearest girlfriends

i feel terribly much like i need a get away.

i feel like i need to talk to some people about what i am feeling, about what's going on.

but i feel like there's this need to be strong.

this need to not need people and i can stand on my own.

what's worse is i really feel that i am on my own.

For as much as vincent, connie and carol can be there for me, they cant be there for me all the time.

& Honestly, i aint doing well.

i feel terribly much like i need a get away.

but i feel like i cant afford indulging in this get away.

have i not rested enough? is what im going through, really that heavy a burden to bear?

if im honest to myself, i guess i really am that weak.

for if i were truly strong, this would not have been considered to be a burden to me.

something i want so bad to simply ignore and run away from.

2011-05-08T17:31:00.006+08:00

19 April 2010

We managed to spend the whole day celebrating our first anniversary together!! (:

We met for supper the night before, being all too eager to start the celebrations! Tee Hee! & Vuivui passed me this boxful of random craft animals, numbers and alphabets! LOL! Personally, i love the animal Rhino the best! & enveloped within was WAFFLES and a Photo Album!! & 3 other wooden craft material in the shape of a dog bone, a heart and a cat. LOL! ♥

The first time i had Old Town White Coffee i knew i just had to bring VuiVui there too (& i only drank their white coffee LOL)! So although his first experience at Old Town wasnt all that great, he gamely agreed to head back with me and we had a mad fab breakfast there!!

This wasnt everything we had. there was also the traditional half boiled egg with 2 kaya and butter toast and one peanut butter toast! :/ we really know how to enjoy good food huh. LOL that explains my chubby cheeks!

Whilst waiting for our food to arrive, i passed him my gift for him (: a mini photoalbum consisting of pictures taken over the past year (: (: (: i love miniatures! yay!

After breakfast we walked around for digestion and the plan was to sing Kbox like we've been saying we'd do for the past few months but in the end, we didnt. LOL! We caught Hall Pass at Cine and it was horrible, not worth mentioning in the least bit :/ if not for the company, it'd have been worse.

Whilst waiting for the movie to begin, we played pool for an hour. This is the first time i'm actually learning it properly and Vui says i've got potential man! Woo Hoo! Some may argue that his is a biased opinion but i know otherwise :D :D

After the movie, we walked around alot. Took transport to a few places that would be highly challenging to walk to and had a really really great time together (: I really love walking. & Vui would walk with me from Outram to Chinatown to Lau Pat Sat to Marina Barrage because he knows that (:

He also knows my preference instead of a 5 course meal in a fancy restaurants, so he brought me to Lau Pat Sat for dinner (: That got me beaming from ear to ear as we order BBQ Stingray, Chicken and Beef Satays, Char Kway Teow, Char Siew Pau, Siew Mai, Yam Puff, SugarCane Juice and i cant remember what :/ LOL! But it was all gone in less than 30 minutes. It was that good!!

Along the way. VuiVui bought me a pencil case and we named it Timmy and i got him a shirt for work (: Items we've been really wanting to get one another for awhile now (:

We ended the night chillax-ing at Level 33, a restaurant with outdoor seating and a lovey view of the flyer and .. yea.. that place. Lol.

I just wanna say thankyou VuiVui. You've seem me at my most vulnerable. You're privy to my darkest secrets. Yet you still love me and embrace me and hold on to what we share. Thank you for accepting me. For giving me a place to call my home. My tree bb i love you so. & I'm looking forward to what the next chapter holds in store ♥ ♥

2011-04-11T10:18:00.003+08:00

Wedding Dress

Vivian, Carol, Connie and I signed up for a K-pop dance course at Oschool!

Learning taeyang- wedding dress! Woo Hoo!

Okay, im slow. Its 4 weeks into our classes & i'm only mentioning it now.

Funny thing is, we all thought we were signing up for 2NE1- Can't Nobody classes. LOL!

Connie couldn't make it for classes so the pictures only consist of viv, carol & i.

but its alright! we shall take more pictures when we have breakfast at strictly pancakes the following Saturday before classes begin! :D

2011-04-03T01:26:00.002+08:00

And everytime I glance at the horror which is me
my lips tremble and the tears threaten to give

2011-03-20T05:30:00.000+08:00

2011-03-19T11:14:00.004+08:00

Kitten paws ♥
i dont know why but this picture is so soothing to me.

today's our 11 monthsary. Another month & that makes a year since we decided to get together. today is also when my first dance class with carol, vivian & connie starts(: i havent danced in too long.

2011-03-10T13:11:00.008+08:00

sometimesireallywonderifshe'scrazy.

alltheseemotionspilingupinsidemeburstingoutanytime,thisissonother.

ithinktearshavefallensomanymany,manytimesthatitssomethingsoexpectedandnormalwhenshecries.

logicallyandobjectivelyitreallydoesnotmakeanysenseatallyetatthisverymomentyoucanseeherdelibretlyattemptingtosupressthefalloftears.

ventingitoutisliberating.irejoiceinGod'ssufficientgrace.

forinmomentsofweaknessandtrials,heismosttangibleandcomfortingtome.

iliftthisdaytoyoulord.lord,haveityourway(:

2011-03-09T15:22:00.007+08:00

January

Feburary

March

Epic lazy post. Hee. A compilation of photos ive posted from January till March (to be continued) in 2011. The posts in January is the longest cause that's the period of time when i just need to sit in office, surfing whilst supporting calls daily. Okay, that's all :D

2011-02-15T21:37:00.006+08:00

Val Day ♥

Having school in the morning from 830 - 1130 that day, i gave him a wake up call at around 7:40 for work.
I my mind, i already had an agenda planned out.

Head to school
Walk over to Ngee Ann to collect his academic transcripts
Head on home to chill/sleep/study
Prep for our movie & dinner date (:

By now, i should have come to expect the least expected when it comes to you.

From the beginning, everything deviated from what i have planned.

& that's just what made it all the more endearing.

i love you. i love you. i love you.

Anyways, im only blogging at tbb's suggestion whilst waiting for my project mate to send our projects over. Its finally in! Woo Hoo!

2011-01-20T10:43:00.003+08:00

My Longest tuition kid ever

2011-01-15T10:18:00.004+08:00

meow.
i have constant spurts of tearing and wanting to break down.
i feel crumbled and numb, smile and carry on, at the same time.
" Love is a choice. I am unaffected by your choice cause i do not need you. But your choice pains me. "
I want all the thoughts to tumble out of my head. I feel disgusted with myself.
& then, God says "Its okay."

2011-01-11T11:03:00.002+08:00

Almost.

2011-01-07T12:28:00.006+08:00

Xmas Lunch in CC

2011-01-06T10:24:00.003+08:00

397

怎么了
i dreamt i was running towards block 397. I kept missing it, passing it.
I was running with a friend sometimes together, sometimes i run ahead and wait for him to come back but i forgot who. Does that mean that i only cooperate with the holy spirit sometimes? Sometimes i try too hard by my own means?

2010-12-27T11:03:00.004+08:00

The right to cry

Uncle Choo went into Coma on 25th December.
He fainted after having a few drinks at home on the eve and was hospitalised shortly after. The doctors said it was stroke and he is currently surviving on the life support system. If he wakes up, he'd be a vegetable. If he does not, he remains unconscious, declared brain dead. I understand that the family is very sad. Amelia & Amelene wants their dad to wake up and in my heart, im wondering why.
A festive event turned solemn in a blink of an eye.

& i was just struck by how elusive life is.
The whole concept of life and what it has to offer to us.
The things of this world can so easily manipulate us to place upon them much greater significance than they truly deserve.
& when our focus is not on God, we are swayed and jostled around by the winds and the storms that arise from this world.

I felt sad last night, & i cried. I turned to God first. I prayed for his understanding. But I dont know what to pray for. I dont know if i should pray for him to wake up because this occurance happened at God's consent. If it is God's will, who are we to refute?

Instead of persevering in prayer, i picked up the phone and called V who's back in Sabah for the holidays. I wanted so much to just talk to him, to talk about and figure out what is it im feeling. Why is it that though i hardly even know my uncle, i am feeling this way. He was having drinks at Carl's place with a few friends and i didn't know how to bring up the topic. I didn't want to spoil the festive celebrations as well. Exactly four minutes after, we hung up, me making no mention of what happened.

Technically, Uncle Choo is dead.
Without technology and the life support system, he would have already been declared dead.
& i was both shock and sad at the abruptness of it all.
I cried but i felt like i had no right to. For my tears do not hold the same significance compared to the tears of his closest and dearest and would hence undermine them.

I felt God telling me its okay to be sad. but it is not okay to let emotions eat me up.
I feel God using this incident to impress upon me the limit of the world and how i should focus on what is eternal, focus on his kingdom.

I pray for peace and strength to be upon Amelia, Er Yee, Amelene and Jonathan.
Father Lord, you know their hearts and you know how they are feeling. Only you truly understand them lord. Let them seek comfort in your arms and place in them a peace that transcends all understanding. Use this to build them and bring their family closer.

Father i pray for your presence to be with them tangibly, Lord.

In jesus' name i pray, Amen.

2010-12-20T12:22:00.005+08:00

" & I want this relationship to last "

Last week was a really trying week for me emotionally, physically and in turn, spiritually.

Ive got to stop trying so hard.
i mean, its alright to try. But sometimes in the midst of trying, i forget my goal and the purpose behind me trying.
& in the end, ive deviated to another path entirely.

i spoke with bf last night about my feelings.
i told him i felt sad that he couldn't be there to take care of me when i was ill.
that he wasn't there for me in my panicked state.
But of course, its not like he purposely neglected or ignored me.
Circumstances played a huge role.
he said he was sorry that he couldn't be there for me.
& i know he meant it.

But a thought suddenly dawned upon me, that even as much as he tries, he cannot be there for me ALL the time.
its like, i know this; but at the moment i didnt realize it.
& no, this does not mean i should lower my expectations to him not being there for me so as to reduce my hurts.
it means i should look to someone who's always there.
Ever waiting to comfort me, show me love & hold me in a tight embrace
Dear abba, he has been ever patient with me.
I need to learn to rely solely on God.
Whether im in need or in abundance; i shall look to none other than God alone.
For i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I will rejoice in the comfort of others but it shall not be a NEED.

The lord is my shepherd, i shall not be in need.

I read somewhere today that in all things, there has to be a middle.
Without it, nothing can ever be truly whole.
because it is not just the space between, but also what holds everything together.

The importance of this middle is that it joins the two halves together.
no matter how extreme these two halves are.
The two halves dont hold on to each other.
They hold on to the middle that in turns hold the halves together.
I pray for God to be this middle.
For God is the rock who is good and faithful and true.

I pray for vincent & i to cling unto this rock, our God.
& God, being our middle, will in turn hold this relationship together and through Christ, make these two halves whole.

Find rest my soul; in Christ alone.

2010-12-14T12:17:00.000+08:00

Cookieja

Dinner Date tonight (:

2010-12-09T12:17:00.002+08:00

Be joyful always

The three answers to prayers : yes. wait. i have something better for you in mind.

It really doesn't matter what we want or do not want.
Because in the end, God's plans prevails.
In HIS time, for he knows best.

Yes, the waiting process is frustrating at times.
Scientifically proven to be especially so for asians who like to be "in the know" due to their low tolerance to risks. We have a perception that the more we are being kept in the loop, the greater the allowance for risk management & hence lower risk exposure.
But that's just you trying to control things and take matters into your own hands again.

you know that in the end, He's right.
He's always right. instead of taking this into annoyance; rejoice and be glad, for you have a king who's wise and true. He loves his people that he gave up his son, to be crucified. You are under the leadership of a faithful king who has assuredly good plans for you. There is nothing he cannot do.

My king, saviour; most importantly, my friend

2010-12-02T10:53:00.003+08:00

more sewing of clothes & late nights

Honestly, clothes from "Domanchi" are so not worth it. The mis-matched price and quality leaves me wondering why a certain beloved tree of mine keeps purchasing from their stores.

Hmmmmmmmmmm.

p/s: vv just clarified that the pants were from Fashion Lab, not Domanchi. LOL

2010-12-01T10:05:00.006+08:00

Having faith in my faithful God

Yesterday, after the previous blog post, i headed out to meet Vincent to accompany him to the doctors. Before our meet up, i questioned him in jest as to what would he like me to bring along to meet him, giving options like "love? hugs?" Lol. yea im mushy i know. But joking only!!!

& his reply was "smiles".

there and then i felt like a very bad gf who kept unloading my problems onto him and worrying about them instead of enjoying the short times we have together.

Before leaving the house i said a short prayer to ask God to remind me of him at every moment of the day. To be reminded of his presence.

After his medical consultation, Vincent accompanied me to he dentist where i got my turquoise rubbers exchanged for red & green ones in the spirit of festivity. But we had time to spare in between so we chillaxed a Starbucks joint where he found himself enjoying his cup of Mocha Frappe. His exact words were "exceptionally delicious". Lol.

We had to attend our Church's EOGM for our respective CGs thereafter so we headed over to Centerpoint & just as we were parting ways, i got a call from Crimsonlogic HR, requesting that i start work next week on a two month contract basis. LIKE OMG! I WAS SO FRIGGIN HAPPY!

I had thoughts like "God is indeed faithful!" then i realised that God has always been faithful. i have to learn to have faith in my faithful God.

Vincent said there are three answers to prayers. "Yes", "Wait" and "I have something better for you." Truly, God sees our heart & he knows. Last night's text from chiewyee affirmed all these.

"Recently i have been very broke and i really wanted this new book that pastor wrote about favour, I didnt even pray about it but the next day, my kids ministry leader blessed me with the book. It just goes to show that God knows us better than ourselves, He will provide for your EVERY NEED. Have faith, trust and receive your blessings:)"

This whole week, sermon have been about our Good God.

"If your son asks you for bread will you give him a stone? If you, then, though you are a sinner knows how to give good gifts to your child, how much more will your Heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask of Him."

Every where i look, i see "trust in the Lord"

Sometimes, i really am that slow that even when i see the message, its context doesnt register till much, much later :x

Quote of the night: "Eh i saw your bf!" Lol, i like! (((((((((((((((((((((((((:

2010-11-30T12:45:00.005+08:00

Trust & Obey

Recently i have been very troubled with work.

About not being able to start work at CrimsonLogic, about idling at home, about financial constraints, about depending on others for the stability of my education, about getting awesome christmas gifts for everybody i cared about.

Feeling weighed down, i remember God asking me to take up his yoke & give him my own.

God also asked me to trust in him, to trust and simply obey.

But then i was faced with another dilemma: trust in which matter?

Denis introduced me to a banquet job but i feel uncomfortable doing it.

Why? I came up with so many reasons but its either that i refuse to admit it or i really dont understand what's holding me back. I was asking myself, is this what God wants? But how would i know if this is what God wants? Does God want me to go along with the banquet job to hone some characteristics that i lack thus i am feeling afraid? Or does God wants me to not go along with the banquet job thus i am feeling this unease? Is God telling me to trust him, that he will provide & i need not be in want? ROARR so confusinggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.

When God told me to trust and obey him, i got reminded of this song that i learnt in primary school. It goes:

"When we walk with the Lord,

in the light of his word,

what a glory he sheds on our way.

When we do his good will,

he abides in us still,

all to those who will trust and obey.

Trust & Obey, for there's no other way

to be happy in jesus but to Trust and Obey."

Last night i had a long talk with VV & he told me to not focus so much on trying to do what i THINK God wants me to do. But rather, to work with God in all that i do.

Whether i work or not at the banquet job is not important. The important thing is to work WITH God. If working at the banquet job bothers me so, then find another job.

This morning, i called them up and told them i'd like to cancel my working shifts.

I shall call them up again to schedule my working hours when i feel comfortable with it.

Recently, i get so caught up in the activities of God that i forget that its God whom i should seek and turn to in the first place. Let me be like Mary, Lord.

³⁸ As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. ³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

⁴¹ “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴² but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Luke 10:38-42

Last night i sew the belt loops on your pants whilst you cooked beef burgers for dinner.

Last night you hugged me & whispered a prayer.

I couldnt make out the exact words but it made me feel like everything's gonna be okay.

& i felt safe.

2010-11-16T12:44:00.005+08:00

7th November

burnt the midnight oil with davis.

it was a pretty productive night with much wrestling with Accounting and tackling of DNA Structures; accompanied by the gorging of chips/snacks/nuts & endless gulping of water & hot green tea.

A few beetles flew in for visits & davis succumbed to sleep before i did!

I forgot how my sinus acts up whenever i lack sleep.

Thank God shuyan came over the next day for another study session, forcing me to keep awake & not sleep.

Anyhows, its over & yea superbly relaxing now.
Been meeting up with loved ones but its like its never enough.

Haven't got a job yet but then again i have yet to actively seek one.

i believe myself to be pretty confused with myself right now.
its that time again.

Anyhows, dinner, at my place tonight.

2010-11-15T16:35:00.003+08:00

Take the first step in faith. You don't need to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.

Used to be so crazy over Andy. Lol.
Sarah & Connie made this card for me for my 17th birthday.
If it wasnt indicated on the back of the card, i would not have remembered that it was given to me on my 17th. Lol.
Makes me think about how fleeting days can be. & how birthdays are actually just another day of the year. too over-hyped much. yawns. feelings should be considered last. dont entertain them much.

tbb, if not you then who?

2010-11-11T11:25:00.008+08:00

t'was more

Because she knew inside her heart, she wants to do much more.

Yet words didnt form and thoughts couldnt flow & all she felt was;

loss.

PUMPKINZHHH

2010-11-07T18:05:00.002+08:00

With God, it aint so bad.

²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

2010-11-05T09:44:00.004+08:00

till death do us part
If you squint real hard, you can see an old couple sitting on the benches!!
So romantic rightttttt. VV says im invading their privacy but they dont know mahhh. & they were really so sweet! CellGroup started at 7pm and they were already seated there, the old lady leaning into his arms (: During CellGroup i periodically glanced their way & i saw the old man lying on the old lady's lap!! AWWWWWWW!

I dont geddit you know. When small kids and old people do this kinda thing, we go "awwww"

but when youngsters do this kinda things, their pictures will get posted on STOMP.

They just sat there and chat & when we left BrasBasah rooftop at around 10-ish, they were still there, looking like they had no intention of leaving!

I wanna be able to do that next timee!

Just like carol said, i too hope that every single one of my dearest and beloved will be blessed with a lifelong partner that derive joy from simple pleasures as such.

Hee. this is carol's left leg. I drew it on herrrr. cause she wrote "i love carol" on my arm.
So i wrote "I love Janice" too. then i got carried away. AHHAH! The taller girl is me (obviously, hahahahhah) the shorter girl is her & the lump beside her is a meow meow :D

Was quite naughty during CG ytd :x kept laughing at random people. like peu.. hahahhaha.

& felt really tired. Two papers down, two more to go. Back to Back :x Monday & Tuesday.

After that i needa look for a job!!!!!! & ive got so many plans for christmas!!! thank God i got connie's gift alrdy. HAHAHA! Its always so hard to get something for her but im superbly sure she'll love this. HEE. & its still decomposing as i type. HAHAHAHHA :D :D :D

i was packing up my notes etc and started throwing out loads of random stuff in my room!

Then i came across this book & chanced upon this page!!

HEE! BuBu & i took a neoprint at causeway point i believe!!! During Sec 2 but i forgot what else we did on that day. LOL! & i also believe that's the only neoprint we took togetherrr. Hhahahaha! I stuck this neoprint on this book cause i thought i would never throw it away. But i decided to throw it away today so i took a picture of this page for keepsake (: (:

BUBU YOU REMEMBER NOT?!! HAHHAHA!

2010-10-30T11:12:00.002+08:00

when beloved meets beloved

"its hard to stay depressed talking to such a happy bird!"

i likeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2010-10-24T21:47:00.003+08:00

'Cause My bf's cool like that!

2010-10-14T11:54:00.005+08:00

The past few weeks

yes im busybusybusy! Busy lika bee!
So let pictures replace words in explaining how i've spent the past few weeks.

p/s: pictures are not arranged in accordance to date of occurance
Pp/s: yesh im that busy :D

love these people (:
so much ♥

2010-10-13T05:31:00.002+08:00

Projects

so here i am, awake at 5AM on a Chilly Wednesday morning.
I awoke to the blare of my alarm with the intention to compile all the parts of my project which was supposed to be sent to me last night.
But lo & behold, opening up my email i see *ZILCH* NOTHING KA-PUTT!!

Ugh. Group mates who works at their own time & pace.

Then expects me to still complete everything by the deadline. Assignments Assignments.

Just 8 more days till we bid goodbye for at least the next two months.

I. CANT. WAIT.

2010-10-07T19:41:00.003+08:00

Gala Night

I just gotta eat ten times more to make the hundred-bucks ticket worth it.
& still manage to look good in whatever dress i've decided on.

Its Show Time!

2010-10-06T12:13:00.012+08:00

Windows to the soul

Be careful little eyes, what you see.

For its the second glance, that pulls you in.

i don't get what i am or am not supposed to expect.

2010-10-05T21:57:00.000+08:00

fever and emotions lead to dire consequences.

2010-10-02T19:45:00.005+08:00

God First

To my dearest Jaja! ♥ ♥

Saw this notepad & i thought it's really adorable! :D I hope you like it! Anw i really thank God for putting you in my life! you've not only been a great pillar of support to me, a wonderful friend, but an awesome mentor as well! I've learned so much frim you & your strength in facing the obstacles in life never fails to amaze & inspire me!
Continue deriving strength from God & growing even closer to Him! I look forward to the many more years of friendship together!

Truckloads of love, Carol

RoRo ♥

This is beautiful (:
Its always encouraging to know that you're leaving a positive footstep in someone else's life.
Recently, i've stepped away from a friendship that wore me out.
It wasn't only mentally draining, it pulled me down and negativity seeped in. Maybe i cant push all the blame to her. After all, if i was truly spiritually strong, not only will i be able to withstand the negativity, i would have been able to help her as well.

But honestly, persevering in this friendship is like constantly walking under a dark cloud without any form of shelter. It casts shadows upon you and makes you constantly fear the possibility of rain yet you do nothing about it. When i hear comments like "you're beginning to think like her already!" i get really fearful. For this life that she leads is not one that i'd choose for myself.

I like being happy. I like keeping things simple in order to be happy. I like being hopefully & giving others the benefit of the doubt. I like knowing that there are people out there that God has placed in my life whom i can trust. Who cares for me.

Without any explanation of sorts, gradually i stopped contributing to the build-up of this relationship. Admittedly, Its not like she did anything wrong so that i can correct her. Its just the person that she is.

& im sorry, that i am strong enough to help or change you.

I prefer it this way, being Hi-Bye friends. Yet, i feel ashamed, that instead of trying to pull her out of this well she has placed herself in, i chose to walk away from this friendship.

Service today was awesome.

The reminder to place faith before feelings and emotions was so timely. I really need to remember that.

I will not be swayed by what i see; I will not be swayed by what i feel.
But by faith, i will lead my life. In faith, i will act and behave.

2010-10-01T12:37:00.003+08:00

Bao Bao!

HEE.
This koala needs to lose weight!

2010-09-30T20:52:00.000+08:00

Bubu's Twentieth!

This post is dedicated to Connie Wui Yin Yee & our 7 years of friendship & counting! (:

Dearest Tongz, thanks for being my dearest friend!
I dare not say we've been through it all. But i believe we've been there for each other through the various times of ups and downs in each other's lives. You know & i know that we can tell the other anything & everything and you know & i know that we have seen glimpse of the best and the worst in the other & yet, we love each other so dearly.
Too many words are floating through my mind right now & im too lazy to type em all out.

BWAHAHHA!
But you know i love you, & that's what's important (:
Blessed birthday bubu!

2010-09-22T22:53:00.002+08:00

Backyard Monsters

♥

2010-09-21T16:55:00.003+08:00

Thank You for Saving Lives

A gift to first-timers. When's it my turn?

2010-09-16T19:55:00.005+08:00

i need to learn

Completed my first test in SIM today! A 30 question FSI MCQ, 60 mins MCQ paper. It went pretty well i believe (: This Saturday there's another test for FSCHS, short-essay structure questions. Not sure it'll constitute how many percentage of my overall module. Hmmm. Exams are held in early November & we were notified today that our last paper will be cleared by the second week of November (i think).

Today during lecture, the lecturer shared a quote with us which i cant remember exactly what. HAHAHHAAH! but it went along the lines of how one is humbled by the vast knowledge in the world. I felt humbled today. Talking to V always helps. Talking to Boobs helped too. It helped me see things from a different perspective & i think i understand what she was trynna tell me last night. LOL, slow, i know right. Hahhaha. Dinner with her family was awesome! We talked ceaselessly for an hour at least. Everyone had amusing stories to share, it was really heartwarming to be included, like family. HEE :D

Finally got concrete plans to watch Step Up 3D with Lisa next Monday after our exams all!
We shall not postpone it no longer!! Hahha. JP date! Dinner & Movie. Dinner & Movie ;D Assignments are soon due and i cant slack no more! I wanna do well!!!!!!

2010-09-11T11:58:00.004+08:00

I think its here

Last night i cried myself to sleep. I suddenly felt immensely sad but i couldnt pin point why or what made me feel this way and this is especially weird since moments before, in the shower, i was just feeling so thankful and happy to have the Lord in my life. I can even remember the placement of that ache. I've marked it with an "X" in the above. I dont understand myself.. im sucha weird girl...

2010-09-09T19:17:00.004+08:00

Felicity

Firstly, identify the problem.

Secondly, accept the existence of the problem within yourself.

Most importantly, pray for God to work in you with regards to that problem.

I dont know if this thought have ever crossed your mind. But it crossed mine once & i cant believe how i NEVER figured it out before. Here it is:

"We can never be satisfied"

It applies in all aspects. We always want to eat. Always, thirst. Always looking to expand our wardrobe selection. Our footwear. Accessories. Constantly seeking to improve our lifestyles. Increase our assets. Making more money. Having not enough time. Been to too little places.

When a "want" is met, sonner or later, another arises.

& most of the time, this occurs subconsciously.

Boy A likes Girl A.

Girl A likes Boy A.

They get together but he never bought gifts for her. Girl A gets upset & breaks up with him.

Boy B likes Girl A.

Girl A decided she likes Boy B too.
He showers her with flowers and gifts almost every other day but being shy he never brings her out.
Girl A cldnt stand being cooped up anymore & leaves Boy B.

This might not accurately exemplify the lack of satisfaction in oneself :x

but back to the point, it got me thinking, what's the point in pursuing such things if i'll NEVER be satisfied? Its like a hamster running on its wheel. Does he know that it goes on and on and on?He'll never reach a destination. The only way it'll stop is if HE STOPS RUNNING.

the only way is to stop wanting.

but we cant do that, we're humans. we want things, its within us or smth i think.

Having said that, i've also found something or rather, someone that can truly satisfy me.

its God.

In the magnitude of His awesomeness and the Grace that he showers upon us. His endless forgiveness to every faltering step we take. Reaching out to embrace us, calling us as His own, comforting us with His love even though we've broken His heart one too many times.

God is truly able to abundantly satisfy.

The single attribute that compels me to Him is His unwavering love for all of His people and all of His creation, for each and every single one of us. Patiently waiting & calling out to us to turn back to Him.

Love in its greatest and purest form, a love that i cannot resist.

2010-09-06T09:49:00.002+08:00

its raining

i know how God made a rainbow to signify the covenant between Him and men. Likewise, i think the rain signifies something special between God & I. Its just, this feeling.

2010-09-04T16:27:00.008+08:00

Conquering PMS

So my werewolf did turn up last night!
However did he know!?? LOL!

Bringing along 6 "Roti Mum" all the way from IMM for our dinner (:

Superbly touched by such gestures.

I think imma meanie when im PMS-ing. Making people do things for me & not feeling guilty about it :X in fact, im quite happy. Lol, i guess my mood is easily affected during this time especially with minor events.

Im thankful Conn is coming over, it has greatly cheered me up!!

we've grown, haven't we?

But i believe there's still a long way to go. Especially on my part.

2010-09-03T15:02:00.002+08:00

I miss my werewolf

i'm hoping he'd pounce a surprise visit on me today.

Then again, i dont wanna hope for that.
For if it doesnt come to pass i shall be sorely disappointed ):

& his unpredictability makes for uncertainty.
Meaning, high chances are for my sore disappointment.

Im trying, really, i am.

Concentrating on that merciless mosquito bite at the inner corner of my eyes.

): ): ): ):

2010-09-01T20:30:00.001+08:00

mummy bad mood again ):

2010-09-01T10:51:00.000+08:00

FKA (:

Spent the night with VVkins! & the highlight of our time together was when he started serenading me with his guitar (: Dearest V simply makes me melt whenever he starts singing and playing his guitar. Its more than just his voice and skills in guitar playing. Its so much more (: i likeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Hee. Sometimes looking into all possible aspects of the matter is good. However, not all are applicable and not all are worth pursuing. If its in simplicity that you find happiness, stick with simplicity. I dont wanna change no more. I don't wanna be selfish either. Because love is not possession, its about trust. In one night, i've learned so much again. It reminds me why i so thoroughly enjoying spending time with you (:

Vincent i love you so much, thankyou for loving me back. Happy FKA ♥ ♥ ♥

2010-08-31T10:57:00.000+08:00

S'More Cookies

Bubu & I have been talking about it non-stop. (okay, maybe I'VE been talking about it non-stop) & we've met with a great many obstacles (couldn't find marshmallows) but we've managed to check this off our "to-bake" list!

Chocolate Chip Marshmallows Cookies!!

We got distracted by the huge pack of Jet-Puff Kraft Marshmallows and started playing Chubby Bunny before we got down to baking. Reached "16 Chubby Bunnies", got really bored & swallowed the whole chunk down. LOL! In case you're wondering, we dont have huge-assed mouths, the marshmallows were just really tiny. LOL!!

That's how the cookie sorta turned out, sorta egg-like looking. That's three mini marshmallows stuck together in a fan-like structure and That's the cookie tin imma pass to Plove later, filled with said marshmallows & cookies (: Hahaha.

We added bits of digestive biscuits in as well to counter the sweetness of the cookies but both of us still found em cookies too sweet ): As adrian puts it, "too buttery" LOL! Oh well but cookies are meant to be sweet. & the cookies we usually bake are "too soft" i think we made harder batches this time round. LOL! Improvement!! Next, we shall aim to make regularly round shaped cookies. HAHHAHA ;D

Walking home from Bubu's place, i bumped into Luqeman & this cute ginger cat that rolled his belly up at me and continued doing so all over my feet, not in said order. LOL. ;DD
Okay, blog post shall abruptly end here due to sneezing ): But before that, sharing these two beautiful pictures i came across (:

2010-08-29T17:52:00.000+08:00

at times, we succumb to the deceitful heart

Honest to God, you're mind blowing-ly amazing. How'd i ever get so lucky? How'd you ever fall for the likes of me? Sometimes you get slapped in the face with something so awesome. What do you do? You grab onto it enjoy its splendor, relishing it as much as you can. Believe that God gives what He knows is best for you. Living each moment for the moments itself. ty vuivui. For loving me along with my insecurities, my flaws, my irritating silliness. Imma love you back, the best that i can, the best that i know how. you're the awesome-st thing that has happened to me & iludd (: heeee.

2010-08-25T21:56:00.000+08:00

i dont like it. i dont like it. i dont like it. i dont like it. i dont like it. i dont like it. i dont like it. i dont like it. i dont like it. i dont like it. i dont like it. i dont like it. i dont like it. i dont like it. i dont like it.

super dont like. ive told you many times. why do you still do it.

why?

Daddy, please.

Please.

please.

2010-08-22T23:09:00.000+08:00

Its what i keep tellin` myself

From a "i want to be.." to a "i am.." that's what i aim to achieve.
Its like there's a set of ideals i have in mind. But upon reflection of my actions, i am at the polar opposite of them. Sometimes i think i expect too much of myself that most of the time, i dont even remember half of these expectations. Thus, its difficult for me to work on em. Always take things one step at a time. I tell myself that too. But sometimes i forget. Sometimes i just want to get it done quickly, to reach the goal or the end. Sometimes, i forget.

I know for sure, God is ALWAYS with me. ALWAYS. because the bible says so. He never forsakes us. He is the same yesterday, today & tomorrow. Because of His consistency, i can assuredly say, He'll always be there for me. I don't assume He will be. I know it.
But humans change all the time. That's my only certainty about mankind. How can we be assured in someone, or rather; anyone? Their only constant is change. What's true today might not still be true tomorrow.

Plove mentioned something today.
He said i always talk to him as if we are not together. Like there's sadness between us.
& i laughed along with him after he said that. But it got me thinking. (Not in a negative way, mind) Maybe, maybe i still feel that all this is too good to be true. People keep saying that until you lose something/(someone), you'd never fully comprehend how important it is/(they are) to you. But the thought of losing you freaks me out that i dont even wanna entertain it. Its unhealthy&childish i know. You cant wish away the inevitable. But, right now i aint ready to deal with it yet :( I wonder how long it'll take.

2010-08-18T18:54:00.000+08:00

Mr Cat.

Received an Email that made me grin idiotically at the screen for a full minute before i realised what i was doing. After a mutual decision last night to seek Him first in our all, everything has been falling into place. I am. Truly, i am thankful that you are the one who's leading in this. & I am extremely excited for a close encounter with God again! What you said made sense. ( as usual ) Lol. Humans are flawed. We make mistakes. We sin. Entrusting our hearts into the care of another human often cause upsets & disappointments. I pray to be a living reflection of your awesome and bountiful love. At anytime & anyplace. Amen (:

2010-08-14T10:59:00.000+08:00

I AM thankful, that i have you.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
— Marianne Williamson

2010-08-13T09:42:00.000+08:00

Fighting On

Im ceaselessly amazed at how Plove reads me so well all the time (:
Its the feeling of intimacy attained when someone knows you better than you know yourself.
& that's not an easy feat, seeing as you've known yourself for (inserts age here) years whilst (inserts friend's name here) have known you for (inserts number here) years.

I've known bubu for 7 years & she knows me as well as i know her but 7 years doesnt even make up half of my current age. Ive spent 20 years trying to figure myself out & sometimes, it seems like it comes oh so easily to her. Then there's Plove that i've known for a year now & its just not right that someone you've known for such a short period of time knows you so well. & i dont mean the superficial, i've-seen-that-person-before-somewhere or we-attended-same-classes-but-never-talked kinda "know". Its really KNOWING kinda Know. HAHAHAH :DDDD

& most of the time, these friends KNOW what they know because they bothered to observe the little details about you. Your habits & quirks. & they bother because they care (: You can see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices that you mean something to them. They've entrusted a piece of their heart with you. No matter big or small because size doesnt matter. What matters is that they love you enough to give a vulnerable part of themselves to you.
For me, i can never love without trust. Trust comes first before love ventures in.

Imma logical kinda person. Hehh :D Once that trust is broken, the foundation of love is shattered & with any weak foundation, its building crumbles. 'course, rebuilding or enforcing the foundation would salvage and possibly strengthen things but that's a long & tedious process.

However, if the love is strong, then perseverance and determination to set the foundation right again would set in. Sincerity can be felt. Likewise for half-heartedness. & these emotions are amplified in those of a sensitive nature.

Hahhah. Its friday today!

One more day till the second week of school passes. & Next weekend will be our MALACCA TRIP!!! Another mini get-away! I simply cant wait! (: (: Jagavee will be charged and ready to help us bring back wonderful memories! I'm anticipating much fun, food & laughs in this trip! Gonna work hard this week so that i can leave all the workload behind & enjoy the next weekend to the fullest! :D :D :D Time flies really. But its not counting the days/months/years that matters. Its about making these days/months/years count (:

Ahhhhh im salivating again!!!

2010-08-10T08:57:00.000+08:00

Almost too good to eat. Almost.

Hungry yet? ;D

2010-07-31T22:27:00.000+08:00

Swimming with BuBu!

Swimming!
We've talked about it since forever & have been putting it off again & again but we finally got about to it after 278154749015 months. LOL!

& of course, Ramzi is always in on the fun ;D

Mental preparation before entering the waters. LOL!
Bubu & i aren't good swimmers & we were preparing ourselves for the (possible) ridicule in stored. Thankfully, there weren't much people present on a sunny Thursday afternoon & we had a corner of the pool to ourselves the whole time! Hahahah.

After a few feeble attempts at swimming we quickly eased into doing what we do best; chilling (it was literally cold) & chatting, laughing at each other & simply having a good time (:

After a short but enriching two hours or so, a huge bunch of South View Secondary School students began filling in. At this point, Bubu & i decided it was our cue to leave to prevent further embarrassment. Lol. Whilst changing out, in the girls loo, screaming in various pitches, loud talking & scuttling was encountered. Makes me wonder if i was that much of a brawl at my age. :X Pretty annoying really.

Anyhows, after a quick change & what nots, we headed back to my place first to deposit the swimming float i brought along. HAHHAHAH!
yes, we, or rather, i was that pathetic. I dare not swim without the float. :X
DON'T JUDGE ME.
hahahahha.
illogical phobia of drowning/being under the water when my feet can touch the ground perfectly.
Until i attain the ability to swim with my head above waters, i shall keep my trusty float handy.
That, or unless i go with someone (i trust) to someplace (isolated) & when bringing the float along is simply too much of a hassle.

Then off to Bubu's place for lunch, Sarah came over with mad cheap lunch around close to 4pm.
Whilst Sarah & Connie chat on endlessly, i read my book on the sofa with a box of tissue beside, sneezing away loudly until the sniffles were so overwhelming i succumb to a short 45minutes nap. After which, Sarah & Connie still went on endlessly, this time, about movies which led to horror films & their trailers. Those eerie laughter/children-eating clowns/demonic spirits/dream hunters. ... i am freaking myself out simply recalling the events of the day.. ....

Before we know it, the hands of time flew by & it became 8pm-ish. We totally obstructed Bubu's plans of tutoring her younger brother at home buttttttttt im sure she had fun with us as well!!

so when is our next swimming date?

2010-07-30T11:51:00.000+08:00

i hate nightmares

Recently, i found out that i sleep talk sometimes. In proper words & sentences, not those incoherent mumbles. But unless you catch a glimpse of the inner chambers of my mind then you'd have no idea what i'm going on about.

I also found out that my day to day activities influence my dreams tremendously. No big deal about this, im guessing most people are but the experiences i encounter in the day will be directly proportional to the workings in my mind at night. Just yesterday i was pretty affected by the endless horror film trailers bubu&sarah was watching & i woke up this morning willing myself to go back to sleep & end the dream happily but to no avail ):

major sighs. why am i sucha scaredy cat? Meow.

2010-07-24T20:59:00.000+08:00

Twenty-onei feel this need to be an understanding gf, cause sam just broke up with his girl. i

Today is my elder sister's birthday! Her name is Denis & she turned 21 (:
The above picture was taken during Christmas last year & that's the most recent picture i found of us. Yea you can take that as a guage as to how close is our relationship as siblings. But we're working on it. Haha. I'd say the party today was quite a success, she looked fairly happy, mingling with her friends, browsing through the squillion pictures printed, eating the catered food, posing for pictures & blowing the candles on her "Mango Tropicana" cake (:

I love my family, so much. Sadly, we aint as close as i'd like us to be. But that does not undermine my love for them. Can the same be said for any other kind of relationship? Friendships, for example. I love my dearest bubuchica the most amongst all but we don't meet up every other day nor every other week. Neither do i shower her with endless gifts nor do we speak on the phone regularly for hours. But the fact is i DO love her. & she knows it (: there's no need for me to assure her, there's no question, no contest. Anyways, im rambling :X

"Relationships come & go but Friendships last forever". I used to chant that mantra everyday. Dissing ex-boyfriends to spend time or hang out with friends due to my strong belief in that sentence. Turns out, i wasn't wrong all those while. Thinking back though, it may have been my self-defense mechanism in case things go wrong. Just in case my boy puts his friends before me, i would not be as dejected. This sets my expectations of them to be lower and with lower expectations, there are lesser disappointments. However this also means that i expect great QUALITY in the friendships forged & i give my all in those i deem worth keeping. Thus leading to a considerable amount of betrayal (due to my naivety) leaving me with emotions of confusion and disbelief. To date, i've learnt much. From my brokenness, i've picked up pieces of myself i choose to keep.

2010-07-13T11:10:00.000+08:00

just be yourself, ja (:

“The only way to get what you really want, is to know what you really want. And the only way to know what you really want, is to know yourself. And the only way to know yourself, is to be yourself. And the only way to be yourself is to listen to your heart.”

— Mike Dooley

2010-07-12T12:29:00.000+08:00

Superwoman

before i begin, i'd just like to say that this is a pour-my-heart-out-no-holding-back post. thought vomit. thoughts that flitter past or thoughts that have manifested in my mind. understand that i just need a space to air my thoughts & this is my outlet.

back then, i chose not to delete this blog even when the shit hit the fan because its akin to my personal diary. the flow of my thoughts just comes naturally here & this site means more to me than i'd admit.
Live for today. Time & again, i've told myself that. Live for today.
For yesterday cannot be changed and tomorrow has yet to be.
The simplest way to be happy is to live life to the fullest, every single day.
Yes, our today is determined by our yesterday & our tomorrow will be crafted by our today.
They are inter-related but at the same time, each day is unique in its own.

"have you ever loved someone so much that you feel like crying?"

Erupting into giggle-fits at everything he says. Smiling non-stop throughout the day. Feeling so high like nothing's gonna get you down. who wouldnt love that feeling of being on cloud 9?! I've felt this way for most, if not all, of the relationships i've been in, especially so during the first few months of the relationship. Also known as the honeymoon period.
But never have i ever felt like i love someone so, so much that i could cry.

Never had, until now.

often, i look down at the hand intertwined with mine and i think to myself:
"what have i done to deserve this?"
i look up into his eyes and i catch the flickering thought:
"is this really mine?"
"why me?"

The below picture would have been perfect if not for the prominent pimple on my nose!
*grumblesgrumblesgrumbles*

I've said this before but imma say it again.
You're teaching me how to love again.
admitedly, i find it hard to believe wholeheartedly in terms like "forever & always."

trust is absolute, isnt it?
i trust you i do. But its hard to. Not because of what you've done or have not done.
But because of my brokeness thus far.
& i find great comfort in your understanding & patience towards me in this area.
When i bombard you incessantly with questions with seemingly no end.
repetitiously raising up things of the past to talk about.
" yes, i know you've said em before but i want to hear it again," I'd say.
& i know its hard on you, making you say mushy-gooey stuff.
saying/doing things you dont normally do.................................

i just want to tell you, thank you. So much.

2010-06-25T13:14:00.000+08:00

look beyond the superficial

one thing i learned is to never judge your actions superficially.

"Don’t find fault. Find a remedy."
~Henry Ford

everything's changing & life won't be the same.
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you know, sometimes i feel so alone. yea, you might say im thinking too much again. but its hard not to. when i see you smiling so happily at your screen whilst conversing with others but you're simply too tired to do so for me. talk to me or entertain me. yea, that's because you feel comfortable around me & i should totally understand. but again, its hard.time and again you've told me to simply believe in you, and i do. Its myself i dont trust. I dont trust my abilities to retain you. In this sense, dearest liz is so much stronger than i. the reliancy she imposes on her guy is close to zilch in comparison with mine. & its ironic for me to constantly harp on independence yet fearing loneliness at the same time. i want a companion. a lover. a confidant. a friend. demanding all these attributes from you, is that too much? & even as i want em, having em all the time is improbable. Stay strong & know that God watches over you always. Whilst venturing into uncharted waters alone, remember that people may disappoint but God wouldnt. This is self-talk & yes, an act of self-assurance. But, i dont know of any other way..

Almost all that i've spoken to have frowned upon the route i've chosen to continue on. & if this choice is agonizing & worrying me every other day, its justifiable that this may not be "it". The most important thing, is to smile & remember to be happy everyday. so no point stressing & being unhappy about it. i believe what i'm embarking on is within my capabilities. Many strongly protested when i chose to work for one year instead of continuing to University. But i've never regretted this decision. Truly, i've learnt so, so much here & made friends like kazzie that i hold close & dear to. I'm trying to remember all the lessons learnt in callcenter & i know that this new chapter in my life will bring about a whole lot more that i cannot even begin to fathom. Admittedly, i'm afraid. But imma brace myself & move forward. I believe the journey will be enjoyable, if not, eye-opening.

2010-06-21T17:03:00.000+08:00

safe house

"She's outta my league" ; i give it 9 outta 10 popcorns!!!

Mainly because i could relate to that plot.
The storyline is superbly funny yet it manages to make me go "awww" and "oh no" and "):" at the same time.
There's this REALLY REALLY REALLY optimistic guy in the movie (whose name i forgot, nat maybe) whom i really like.
& the largest deciding factor was contributed by my superbly entertaining companion (:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One. This is a route God has opened up for me.
Two. I'm supposed to turn away from this & trust that God opens up another path for me.

Listen, you say.
Thing is, i heard & i cant discern, which is which.Baby, i know you dont like me taking up this job. you've been around & you've seen what it's like.
Precisely so; you dont like me taking this up. But imma keep in mind the Lord our Great God. I may live in the world but i need not conform to the ways of the world. I darent even look at you now. Frankly, i feel ashamed that i need to turn to such means due to my more than pathetic situation/ & i know there's a stirring inside you at your inability to provide fully for me. Thus you cant object much to me taking it up. You know i need this. But we are both growing. I know i've got something to learn out of this. Everything i'm doing. Every place i'm at. Its all a part of God's plan. He wants me there; at that exact time; doing what i'm doing. You reap what you sow. If i work hard with the right attitude & the correct mindset/ i know my Jehova Jireh will provide. He will also take care of our relationship./ & meld it stronger than ever before. i pray for it. Lord, i just pray to be constantly reminded of your awesomeness & your grace; that you'll watch over me whilst entering this job.

2010-06-21T16:40:00.000+08:00

especialy for you bubucheeks

loveyou (:

2010-06-18T12:39:00.000+08:00

These are a few of my favorite things

I told bubucheeks im currently very in love with this picture & imma upload it here for her to check it out but in the midst of all our ramblings and chats i clean forgot about it & was suddenly reminded whilst blog hopping. hahahha! Anyhows, so here it is!

awwww isnt it?!! Her eyes says so many things at the same time! Protectiveness. Posession. Comfort. Love. Longing. Pensive. Assertive. Concerned. LOL! But mostly, it seems like posessiveness to me. So i added a text in, very aptly ( if i may say so myself ) hahhahaa

HAHAHAAHHA!! :D :D :D

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Last night, VV brought me to The Arts House to view a cat photography exhibition!! These werent taken from the exibit, these were taken from the internet. HAHAH! Imma upload those taken from the exhibit on fb over the weekend! (whilst vv assist in helping me figure the camera out) LOL!

The laughter was good. The silence was even better. Simply sitting & resting at his side, looking across the Singapore River and thinking of nothing. Random snippets of conversations rising here and there. But other than that, comfortable silence. We could have sat there for quite abit except i noticed a slug crawling vertically down the steps towards the river & there was a baby roach approaching us at a rapid speed. We hurriedly got up & left for home after also suffering from huge-ass mosquitoe bites. hahhaah.

The journey home wasnt a usually lethargic one. There was a strong feeling of pensiveness throughout the way home & before i knew it, it was time to alight. At home i was greeted by SIM's acceptance letter & the deadline for the acceptance is 30 June. How naive i was to think that i could pay the school fees in August, just as school starts? :/

its good news but i found myself strangely calm about this whole issue :/
tentative on what's in stored for me next but still calm nonetheless.

idk mann. imma see.

2010-06-15T01:27:00.000+08:00

before i forget

Bedside view; taken from my Hilton PJ Hotel in KL.
People have been asking how's my trip and i can aptly summaise it in one word, Enlightening.

Friggin sleepy now.
But before it slips my mind, i wanna record this down.
I used to be extremely conscious of the placement of my touch. Especially so; of other's touch, upon me. Touch, when affectionately administered onto another party is an intimate and precious moment. at least to me it is was.

I read this on my sister's MSN PM: "Intimacy is the reward of commitment"

She's currently reading the controversial christian book, "I kissed dating goodbye." & she's halfway through. I don't know if i'd have the courage/will to read this book. Being logically influenced by nature, i ain't sure how reading this book will affect the relationship between my dearest V & myself. hahha.

Hugging people of the opposite gender affectionately, be it as a greeting or a form of physical comfort, meant nothing to me. In the past, it used to be exclusive to my special someone. "Intimacy is the reward of commitment". After being broken down (too) many times, the significance i placed on the intimacy of touch reduced greatly over time. Because when the significant value of a certain act or object has been reduced, the devoid of that act or object would lead to a lesser sense of loss or longing.

When i dated others over the past year, i found myself still holding tight to the comfort of hugs administered by other individuals apart from the guy i was dating. & i found nothing wrong in that fact. I realised that this was how i protected myself. Wrapping myself up in a cotton bag; filled with small styrofoam balls; placed in a cardboard box and labelled "fragile, handle with care". It was like if Mr. A's hugs werent so "special" to me, even if Mr. A leaves, i still got Mr. B, Mr. C, Mr. D who are all friends, who will be able to administer to my physical needs.

I use the word "need" because, that is how i feel loved. A simple hug from the people i love can do wonders in the lifting up of my spirits. A simple touch, can either make me smile or bring down tears. Also, Mr. A, Mr. B, Mr. C & Mr. D are all used figuratively. I dont and never did have 4 men i turn to for hugs and what nots. LOL!/

Subconsciously, i've withdrawn from physical intimacy of any sort with any other guy ever since vv said he loved me (:
Exclusively yours, and yours alone. Yours to hold, yours to touch, yours to hug, yours to call. Yours to take care of as well. Your responsibility!!! HAHHAHAHA!!
The truth is, everyone's gonna hurt you ( be it intentionally or not ) in some way or another.. We've just got to find the right one worth suffering for.
it dawned upon me that i was willing to take up this risk again. Because you're worth it.

I say this all the time but that doesnt undermine its importance in any way. In fact, it further amplifies and reiterates the point i'm trying to make. I can already foresee friends reprimanding me for being so open, so professing, so vulnerable. I say to hell with those mind/love/control games.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, means more to me now; than his abundant grace that has made you a blessing to me. & (hopefully) me, a blessing to you in return. i love you.

2010-06-14T12:32:00.000+08:00

in VV's eyes;

this is how i look like

HAHAHHA! NOO LA, JUST KIDDING!

ROFLMAO!

My boyfriend's got talented hands!!!!
I've secretly saved all the random drawings he did on Paint & sent to me last time.
His drawings are AWESOME when created using a mouse.

How much more when drawn with a pencil/pen?!!
hahahha
O'course, i wont post all the pictures here. Else, it wont be much of a secret anymoreee. Ho humm. LOL.

Check it out Check it out Check it out y'all!!

We got ourselves a Samsung ST550 at the PC FAIR on 13th June 2010!!
VV likes this photo although its mad blurr.

& im sure we all know who's the awesome photographer. hahhah!

its okay vv, we can take mad fab photos soon!!

fav line of the day: "let the adventures begin!"

hahah, i must record down this epic incident (to me) for remembrence.

VV: "eh ja, very fast eh, its a few more days to our next..."
JA: "6 days!"
VV:"wow, 6 days to our 3 months"
JA:"2 months, vv. But you want 3 also can."

VV & JAJA bursts out laughing.

hahha. okay fine. not so funny. i cant help it im not an awesome story-teller.
& if you're wondering why i shouted "6days" before he finished his sentence, its cause he's got sucha awesome girl who can finish his sentences & voice his thoughts. :D

hahahha
anyways, it was really funny when it happened.
& i realised that if this happened a few years or maybe even a few months back, i might be upset/bothered by that conversation. yet another area, in which i have changed. & its for the better, i believe. hahhaha/ (:

I forgot to be happy.
I overlooked the small wonders & joys of life.
I grew tired, worrisome & troubled.

You lifted my brows; uncreased the frowns and churned up a smile.

You taught me how to be happy again.

2010-06-12T19:54:00.000+08:00

Love; & now i will show you the most excellent way

If i speak in tongues of men and of angels, but have not Love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If i have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have a faith that can move mountains, but have not Love, I am nothing.
If i give all i possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not Love, i gain nothing.

Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now i know in part; then i shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and Love. But the greatest of these is Love.

Pastor challenged us to memorise the bible's definition of love from [ 1Corinthians 13: 1 - 13 ] & imma try to do so (: I will do my best to love thy neighbor like how our father has shown us how to love. Shared joy is doubled, shared sorrow is halved. (: (: (:

2010-06-07T23:27:00.000+08:00

Church Camp!

/edit there'll be session held everday at different times of the day.
These sessions are church related/ like how it'd be like in a Service/CG meeting.

i havent been to a church camp in like, foreverr.
Haha, okay, since Secondary 2 i believe :/
Thus, i surprised everyone (almost) including myself when i readily agreed to attend the camp with my sisters.
Bubucheeks said she cant imagine how i can spend 4 days straight with Gorilla. HAHAHAH!
but well, im hoping Emily grows outta this. Im hoping this will change her somehow ://
I feel like, ever since my talk with Ahma last Saturday Night, my thinking & mindset have changed again.
& sometimes, i do fear that the people i love wont be able to cope well with that change.
I fear that they'd leave me...
But change comes gradually. & if they leave, they'd most probably leave gradually as well.
maybe that will lessen the pain :/ but i sure as hell dont want a select few to leave. Ever.. Im selfish in that way i guess :// sighs, but i digress. No use worrying about the future when the future is yet to be..

Anyhows, this post is dedicated entirely to Plove! (: (: (:

Our last meal before my departure consist of HOMECOOKED FRIED RICE WITH LOTSA LOVEE :D:D The fried rice consist of sausages, egg, crabmeat, pepper, salt, oyster sauce& crispy chicken. The love is a secret recipe, replicable only by Plove & ME :D

Time flew, AGAIN!
we spent close to two hours walking around... and around... & around... AHHAHA
the days will fly by in the blink of the whole world's eyes. AHAHHhh! vv, i know you're worried for me in Msia.
But put your heart at ease cause God will be with me. & i know i'm not feeling well, i'd take extra care of myself(: I've remembered all your tips ( taking note of my surroundings, never wander off alone, staying close to the group, keeping my valuables close to me at all times etc ) & imma do good to keep em in mind!
& though you are staying put in Sgp. Know that im worried for you too. It may sound weird or nonsensical. But, i cherish this, too much. So many things can happen within the short span of 4 days. I still remember being totally oblivious about the Tsunami Saga whilst in a 3D2N camp in Secondary School./ SO, PLEASE, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!

If i could, i would love to fling myself into your arms the moment i reach Singapore & hold onto a piece of you, ( a piece of fabric, your shoe hahah! inside joke ) till the last moment when i leave :/

so, so blessed to be yours.
& loving, so much, that you're mine (:

im insecure sometimes. & at other times, i think too much & upset myself unnecessarily.
then, you come along, looking so dashing & hot. Reminding me that the most important thing in life is to be happy. That i may not be the prettiest, sweetest, tallest (lol), hottest girl around. But in spite of all that, you love me. There's no why or how. It just is.
frankly speaking, this is self-assurance. i am still finding myself in disbelief, everytime you call me endearingly. Everytime you embrace me. Everytime you plant a kiss on my lips.
but its a positive kinda disbelief.
somehow like someone telling you, you've won a million dollars outta the blue!

speaking of which, here's the "BAG A MILLION DOLLARS" Changi Airport Flashmob official Video!!! Held on the 29th May, the event was a hugeeeee success (:

i cant wait to get that camera we've been talking about for awhile noww.
i wanna document the growth of our relationship so we may look back & reminiscence in the futuree (:

anyhows, like you said, some words need not be spoken; they can be conveyed through an exchanged glance. a hug. a kiss. a caress.
& sometimes, three simple words are all you need to summarize it all.

less than three (:

2010-05-31T13:27:00.000+08:00

First Love

Sweet Nothings(:

Never thought i'd hear you call me endearingly.
Never thought i'd here those three words from you, meant for me.
Never thought we'd end up here, together, like this.
It may mean naught to you. But it means the world to me.

2010-05-31T09:55:00.000+08:00

So what the hell does it mean?!

so what the hell does "its okay" mean?!
so many, too many, a times, we hide behind words and are furtive about our feelings.
but at other times its plainly used when the laziness to further elaborate sets in aint it?
aiyah, we're both in a pissy mood ):

2010-05-29T10:48:00.000+08:00

5months into 2010

I've got my rejection letters from NTU & NUS, again. It felt like deja vu & it was all coming back. The emotions, the disappointments & upsets. Bubu's words of "if you couldnt get in last year what makes you think you'll be able to get in this year?" kept haunting me & the news akined to a slap in the face. But at the same time, it was different. I handled it better. Instead of dwelling (too much) on things out of my control, i concentrated on things within my control & had a rein on my emotions.

I know that what i want is to study this year. I was previously questioning and doubting my wants ( to work/study ) or rather, i was questioning what does God want for me? I'd like to follow his perfect plan but i gotta figure out what is it exactly right?! Then i realised; friends are God's way of taking care of us. & friends have been advising me to never give up on my studies. So as the holy spirit promted, my questions have been answered (: God wants me to further my studies..
I've appealed to NTU & NUS seperately regarding the rejection but at the same time, i've also applied to SIM. Just this morning i've submitted the admission form, supporting documents & fees singlehandedly. Everybody present there was accompanied by a Parent but i was accompanied by God(: The process was smooth-sailing and i wasnt assailed with boughts of nervousness nor hysteria afterwhich i made it to work with ample time to spare as well!!! HAHAHA :D SO PROUD OF MYSELFFF
Entering NTU/NUS would make me liable to debt as i require the assistance of my Dad in the payment process. But entering SIM would be another matter altogether, shant further elaborate. Should the appeals be successful, the main reason i would choose NTU/NUS above SIM would be due to the prestige associated with the schools.

Debt free. That's the main reason i took one year off to work rather than to continue schooling. I daresay im able to rely on myself for payment of the course fees. I dont need to loan an amount from my mum or dad, my friends or the bank. God is my provider, my Jehova Jireh (:

Between last year and this year thus far, the happiest thing that happened to me was meeting vv (:
He doesnt vocalise his love for me like how other people would but im secure in his love for me. & truly, im beginning to understand the phrase "actions speak louder than words". Not in the form of gifts but very simply, actions. I havent laughed as i am doing in sucha long time. Its a path of self-rediscovery and lessons awaiting to be learnt. & ironic as it may sounds; my walk of independence is growing stronger day by day, with him(: LESS THAN THREE, LESS THAN THREE!!! HAHAHAHA!

Havent i told you this already? But still imma say it again.
VV, Ngai Zhungyi Nyi. I know you want me to be myself. But i want to be my BEST self for you. I wont deviate from who i truly am. Neither will i hide behind a callous facade. But imma bring out the best in me. For you deserve to be loved; truly loved, to the best of my capabilities. & imma do my best to give you that (:

2010-05-21T13:28:00.000+08:00

things i wont say

I want to walk on and on and on till my legs tire out. Only, my sense of direction or rather, a lack of one is holding me back. It feels almost as if history is repeating itself again. But i know that isnt true. I know that things are different regardless. I realise in this moment, that no matter how fast i'm able to type, it can never keep up with the speed at which my thoughts are churning out. Especially now. Only two things are keeping me sane. Keeping myself incessantly preoccupied by anything & everything or settling into silence where my thoughts blast so loud.
I dont know what i want. If i dont even know what i want, how can God give to me what i want? I've left my MP3 player at home today. Music is a well needed remedy. I wont sccumb to my emotions. At least, not right now, not right here.

I wont tell you i need you & that i want you to stay.
I'll never admit that i want you to simply be beside me today.

2010-05-20T09:38:00.000+08:00

the immediate gratification aint worth the aftermath

so yesterday marks the first month since the beginning of "us". As we raised our glasses & gave our cheers; he leaned in and whispered "Happy First Month." & simple as those words were, it left me smiling & smiling.

i've noticed that about myself alot..
i've noticed myself smiling alot whenever i think about him.
and i like that(: haha.

knowing his current mobile line is unavailable, i got him a prepaid card with 20bucks credit as our monthsary gift. But someone else beat me to it and that left me a tad upset): but ohwells, he can always use the gift some other time i guess. Thankfully, i baked him cookies as well (: Walnut & Chocolate Chip! Its my first time trying this mix & judging from the general response i'd say it was well received. ;D Most importantly, his words (or rather, word) was: "wow" :DDDDD

VV appreciated my efforts! & i cut myself whilst baking! on a cookie sheet. HAHAH! its a wound of love. HAHA. epic cliche much but seriously, it was all worth it! Especially since the first present wasnt as "delightfully useful" as i hoped it would be): ahhhhhhh. forget that. hhaha. Seeing how he enjoyed the cookies truly warmed my heart.

I believe we'd both agree that we've come a long way before we reached where we are today & Plove's right. We neednt celebrate every monthsary, or anniversary for the matter. i prefer random celebrations & buying of gifts despite the lack of occasion. The element of surprise makes for greater excitement no? (:

Is it weird to say i'd wish for my relationship to be of the intimacy and comfort that i have attained with my dearest bubucheeks? (:

7 years and counting. Damn, i feel old. AHHAHAH!

Dearest Bubucheeks & i dont celebrate our years of friendships annually & we've been through the phase of forgetting the other's birthday. We may not be able to comfort the other at times but knowing, just knowing, that the other will be there is comfort in itself. & in the right time, when we are ready to be heard, the other would be prepared to listen. We dont meet up every week (or month; at times), we dont text/call each other everyday. But each meet up is time well spent & we are both deeply assured of the other's love and care for us.

I understand that at this point, some people will disagree and point out that bubucheeks and i share a friendship that is different from a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. But i believe the basis, or foundation, of a strong relationship is founded (more or less) the same way.

I pray that the Lord showers his blessing over this relationship.
A relationship that is helping me grow in so many ways, one that is once again teaching me, how to believe.

i love you vv (:

2010-05-18T10:58:00.000+08:00

RAWRR!

tomorrow marks our one month (:

2010-05-14T15:29:00.000+08:00

There are many things i'd like right now

My boyfriend ( for hugs and kisses and what nots)
A Mocha Frappuccino from Starbucks without Cream.
Chocolate cake. I've been craving for a chocolate cake in eons.
A day to lie around, no rushing about, singing songs, chatting, but mostly, do nothing.
The letter.

2010-05-13T14:19:00.000+08:00

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly (:

"When you start to know someone, all their physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize the scent of their skin.

You see only the essence of the person, not the shell.

That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body but not your heart.

And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant."

2010-05-12T15:11:00.000+08:00

i do it for my baby love

Tell her she’s you only one
When she’s upset hold her tight
Play with her hair
Pick her up
Tickle her & wrestle with her
Just talk to her
Bring her flowers just because
Hold her hand
Let her fall asleep in you arms
Sing to her.
No matter how awful you sound
Get her mad at you then kiss her
Tell her she looks beautiful
When she’s sad make her laugh
Come up behind her & wrap your arms around her
Kiss her in the rain
Stand up for her
Never take her for granted
Be true to her
Tell her you love her & mean it
Never let her go <3

Tonight imma spend qtime with my dearest; most precious (:

2010-05-11T08:59:00.000+08:00

letter to bubu

sorry bubucheeks; it wasnt as beautiful or simple as that.

i thought of this whole chunk of words i would say.
i crafted out an explanation for my actions in response to any possible reply he may give.

but when i saw his crushed face and fallen expression when the news dawned upon him; all my words were trapped.

it was the confirmation of his worst fears and it hurt him like shit):

he said he dont know if he'd rather be kept in the dark.
cause when i denied for the second time, he took my word for it ):
i lied to him. i disappointed him. i hurt him):

these are things you shouldnt be inflicting upon the one you love.
yet, i did it.

i told him whilst we were on the bus, heading to Little India for dinner.
i wanted to tell him how much im sorry; promise him i wont do it again; ask him to trust/believe me once more.
but its like, the words wont come out. i know; that he knows i love him.
& these words seemed meaningless when placed infront of the hurt ive thrust into him despite that.

i got so scared that this would be the end.
but i was thinking i deserved it as well.

i still dont understand how/why he fell in love with the likes of me. its like im waiting for someone to shout "April's Fool" or something.
at the same time, im holding onto this relationship so dear; for fear of the pssible onslaught of that day.

after awhile; he held onto my hands & i couldnt help it, i cried.
he told me the fragment of his brain that contained the information i just told him has been chipped off.
he said the files has been deleted and forgotten.

he forgave me bubu.

as much as i dont deserve it, im selfish; i want him.

i told him i love him & im sorry.
he replied saying he loves me too.

then we had dinner and all.
i know i hurt him bad. real bad. & i will do my utmost to make it up to him.
i thank God he forgave me. Truly & Deeply.

because when i saw the hurt on his face; i could only think of how Justin hurt me then & how fucked up that feels.

2010-05-05T10:43:00.000+08:00

3simple words; we often forget

/to be continued

i lied to my boyfriend. twice. regarding the same guy. but i've decided to tell him all today. tonight. & im scared ): but i know its the right thing to do. its what i need to do. 'cause i love him. & i dont wanna be with him, hiding these two secrets. shallow maybe; and definitely vulnerable to him & his decisions. But i know i shouldnt hide it anymore. Me being in a moral dilema about this issue tells me i shouldnt hide it from him. i pray. & i pray. & i pray with my all; that he'll still love me. & forgive me. & want to be with me.

"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death."
Robert Fulghum

2010-05-04T14:32:00.000+08:00

tough love

Jaja Hwaiting; Jaja Hwaiting; Jaja Hwaiting!

Words repeated thrice seems to hold more magic.

2010-05-04T09:59:00.000+08:00

Kittylove

2010-05-03T09:53:00.000+08:00

" I smoke your brand of cigarettes and pray that you might give me a call I lie around on bed all day just staring at the walls hanging round bars at night wishing I had never been born and give myself to anyone who wants to take me home"

i know you love me & that should be enough

It is at this time again where i question my faith & its strength.
faith; the size of a mustard seed is all i need. i know that. yet; here i am penning down thoughts that are flowing endlessly through the front & back of my mind. Crashing like waves to the front of my skull; leaving the rest flowing back & boggling my mind. Saying that i just needed to vent; that i'd be okay after it all seems a little too hypocritical on my part.

Its like saying "Yes, i trust you, but let me just turn around and shout all these lingering doubts into the sea/wind/earth and get it off my chest before i do"

He said to them, 'Where is your faith?' - Luke 8:25

I know you love me; that should be enough.
I find myself blown away by the vast complexities of this relationship. But then again, complexity is determined by oneself. Its my choice to simplify or complicate matters. Usually, when emotions are roped in; that's when matters start to get complicated. Thoughts, random thoughts, flow through our minds every single day. I gotta learn to seive those thoughts and utilise/contemplate the useful ones. If i'd like to produce a delicious & aromatic cake, those coarse, large and chunky bits shouldnt be mixed within the batter.

How do i handle this? One that is different from all that i've known beforehand. I have no idea how to make this work. For us.

" Just b urself ja(: "

Sometimes, i need to talk to myself.

2010-04-28T13:59:00.000+08:00

VV is l♥ve

Never knew; i could feel like this.
Like i've never seen the sky before.
Want to vanish inside your kiss.
Everyday i love you more and more.

Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing?
Telling me to give you everything.
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But i love you until the end of time.

Come what may;
Come what may;
I will love you until my dying day.

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place.
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace/
Suddenly my life doesn;t seem such a waste.
It all revolves around you.

And there's no mountain too high;
No river too wide.
Sing out this song and i'll be there by your side.
Storm clouds may gather & stars may collide

But i love you (i love you)
Until the end of time.

Come what may;
Come what may;
I will love you, until my dying day.

2010-04-27T16:09:00.000+08:00

Everything's changing & life won't stay the same

24 April 2010;

I realised that, people blog when influenced under certain emotions; be it angst, boredom, happiness, sorrow, confusion etc etc.

& it is shallow for one to judge others based merely on one's blog & its content.
this is a note to self to curb my judgemental tendencies; i should have known better.

Dinner with Batman @ Little India, took pictures whilst waiting for the food to arrive.

I've noticed that when out with any of my friends (one on one ) i'd start to notice the time after an hour or so of hanging with them.

But when it comes to BubuCheeks/Batman, time flies and it'd be at least two hours before we even notice the time.
The only pull factors being distance and time.

Batman tries to enlarge his eyes in the second picture hence the awkward smile cause apparently he cant do both at the same time. HAHHAHAH!

VV i love you (:

2010-04-23T14:20:00.000+08:00

the look in your eyes

2010-04-21T10:37:00.000+08:00

its complicated;

We've heard this phrase once too often havent we?
Sometimes it is that complicated; in the literal sense; other times we use it due to laziness to explain or rather, the lack of need to.
Its the simplest answer to most questions.

looking back (again i know, lol); i dont understand why he didnt understand.
cause the cracks in the wall were deep and jagged.
yet oblivious he was, to the blatantly obvious.
but its over; no longer of pressing significance.

any significance.

there is a someone whom i'd like to plant smiles on now.
have been wanting for quite awhile really.

its just that now, the intention is mutual (:

say hello to batman y'all! <3

2010-04-20T12:11:00.000+08:00

Sounds like a dream come true (:

we've grown havent we?
in the short span of less than a year; we've grown.

"well; u have my support ja"

& that is enough.

i prolly got influenced by connie much & started re-reading the older blog posts.
its inevitable & i've mentioned this to a few of you; I FEEL AS IF THERE'S AN OLD WOMAN TRAPPED INSIDE ME.
ive had this space to rant for close to two years. I see no point in forsaking it.
Especially now that the winds have died down.
Maybe that explains my reluctance in deleting this chapter of my life when i switched to a wordpress previously. Lols.

"God will not be early; never late; but always on time"
this is reminding me to open up my eyes and listen with my ears.
what is it that i got to learn from this?
why now Lord?

plenty of upsets.
sleepless nights till no end.
heartaches & tears.

it was one helluv' an emotional rollercoaster ride.

that only acted to help me appreciate this next ride imma embark on.
so much more.

thankyou; all of you; for standing by my choice

2009-11-29T20:46:00.000+08:00

getting angry dsnt solve anything.

We're all better off oggling hunks who makes our insides churn (: